Dirty Diary It is said that you can tell a lot about a person from looking at the clothes they wear. Well, you can tell a whole lot more by rifling through their laundry basket! One blue and white striped long sleeved top (hers) Large brown coffee stain received when attempting to drink, smoke and talk on telephone all at once and consequently missing mouth. Blemish is blurry around the edges where she dabbed frantically with a damp cloth because she had to go out looking semi-decent and had nothing else to wear that didn’t show large amounts of cleavage. One black t-shirt, slightly transparent with plunging neckline (hers) Strong smell of stale beer and cigarettes. Undefinable dark marks up left arm due to tumble taken on way home from pub – as relayed to her the next day (she couldn’t quite recollect). T-shirts, one Bryan Adams ‘18 til I die’ others grey or black Brick lane specials (his) Musky whiff of boy sweat (vaguely pleasant) completely overidden by strong smell of metal (sculpts with metal as part of job). Most of them covered in black and white cat hair – as a Leo he has an affinity with the fat cat that visits their flat. Pink scoop-necked t-shirt with tatty edges (hers) General smell of place of work: stale cappuccino milk and spilt cranberry juice mixed with fried breakfasts and the cries of hungry customers waiting for their food Numerous unsexy grey knickers, some without elastic (hers) Once were white with perky lacy bits, but been in relationship for four years so knickers go into washing machine with black/coloured clothes and are worn until they no longer serve any purpose. General knicker stains and smells compounded by forgetting when period was due (again). Number of black and grey socks, nearly but not quite matching (his and hers) Occasionally, when she feels she has been a particularly undutiful girlfriend, she will spend hours balling up his socks into matching pairs. At the present time the sock drawer is a sea of singles – therefore so is the laundry basket. Socks all seem the same but some are far more stinky than others. (She wears his socks, sometimes the same ones for days, yet his always smell more.) One black pair of ‘Mark One’ trousers (hers) Not dirty or smelly, and therefore should not be in laundry basket. There because she got undressed after lying in bed watching telly (‘What Not to Wear’) and flung the clothes from the bed in the general direction of the cupboard. T-shirt landed on floor at end of bed, bra travelled as far as the handle on the cupboard door where it now hangs, trousers ended up in laundry basket. One pair on jeans (his) Are very smelly because get washed rarely: only pair of jeans he possesses that do not have enormous tear in the crotch (due to cycling rather than any other physical activities). Fact that they are still lying in laundry basket points to girlfriends careless housekeeping (he cooks, she cleans) and her guilt is made worse by the fact that she previously stole his only other wearable trousers (Carlharts) and spilt olive oil down one leg. Boxer shorts (his) Not much to say about these. It is assumed (without going to close) that they have general boxer short pong to them. More boxer shorts in basket than knickers: while he goes to work every day she does not, therefore she sometimes has little regard for feeling fresh and zingy. (Also, he has little to none sense of smell, so she can get away with it!) Orange jumper, 52% angora (hers) Bought in Oxfam and worn once, about six months ago. Needs to be hand-washed, and has been lying at the bottom of the basket since it was worn waiting for that day…… >>>back to no wash